New moon could have been a WHOLE lot better

So while doing my global history homework and getting distracted by my playlist I came across this article on New Moon.





And I got to say this is the best summary, if not the best script, for New Moon. Get's right to the point and entertains while not wasting an hour of your life.



[BEFORE I START I WILL RANT AND PERHAPS SPOIL. I RECOMMEND FAN GIRLS WHO HAVE NOT READ THE SERIES TO..ERR READ]

Now before I start. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST TWILIGHT. I read the books, I loved them, since I was practically the target audience they were aiming at. They were all "OMG" to me because i'm sadly a sucker for that crap. But when the movies came out I became anti-twilight. The movie, of course. First, every single chick who never cracked open a book that was more than 100 pages actually went out and BOUGHT AND READ twilight. Just because it was such a fad everywhere in my school.





Now for some reason this made me quite mad because I couldn't believe that they had to wait for some silly little movie and fad for them to actually crack open a book that was out for quite a while now.





Then came the team edward and jacob commentaries. Originally I thought they were both douchebags from the bags and prefered that vampire that tried to eat bella. (I forget his name, darn my short attention span) But this team thing was bullshit so what I did and still do is tell them it doesn't matter either way because edward wins her while being the biggest sexist pig there can be and a douchebag while Jacob, the cliche friend who falls in love with the girl but never gets her, falls in love with the babe that Edward and Bella make. I love ruining little fan girls who got bored after New Moon the book :)





So then I saw the cast for the movies. W.T.F. Bella actually kinda fits Bella in my opinion. But long haired Jacob and my first reaction was "WTF" and don't get me started on Edward. Robert Pattison looks like he's retarded and sick while my old image of Edward was someone hotter and someone who actually looked...healthier. I believe they could have found someone better.

I fail to see how he is hot or comprehend how he even fits the role or "image" and expectations of being Edward Cullen.

Actually making the book into a movie sucks ass. But the second movie actually looked better than the previews of the first but oh well.

[/END OF RANT]




Now here's what this post was really all about. How New Moon could have been better if it was just more honest and shorter






ASHLEY GREENE
Hey Kristen! Open my gift first! It's a bag of ecstasy, now you can be just as obnoxiously bubbly and wired as me!
KRISTEN opens the gift and cuts herself on the wrapping.
KRISTEN STEWART
Ouch. Zoom in cameraman, I got a papercut.
ROBERT PATTINSON
On wrapping paper? How is that even possible?
Suddenly, JACKSON RATHBONE pretends he's a SNAKE and makes SUPER COOL SNAKE NOISES. He lunges at KRISTEN.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Don't worry Kristen, I will protect you by hurling you against a wall and into a glass table!
KRISTEN STEWART
My hero!
(bleeds profusely)

TAYLOR LAUTNER
You're back with the vampire? I thought you were falling in love with me!
KRISTEN STEWART
Guys, think about this a minute. Isn't the fact that I'm only attracted to dangerous monsters an indicator that I'm not actually attracted to who either of you are, but what you are? Clearly I just have some kind of serious mental issue.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yeah well, stay away from her Robert. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Right, because you turn into a cartoon dog.
KRISTEN STEWART
This is the classic "person likes popular kid but is loved by best friend" storyline used in virtually every high school movie ever made, huh?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yeah, except unlike every other movie that has used this cliche, you actually wind up with the popular kid and I stay a chump forever

Here's the whole thing
;D

http://www.cracked.com/article/230_if-new-moon-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest/